Childhood Incidents #6

I remember this one time when I was in primary school and I was walking along the corridor and suddenly everything went black. I then remember being seated and lying my head down on a desk and being splashed with water by someone while gaining back my vision and consciousness.

When I came home and told my parents, it was taken very lightly. They said, “Oh, so you fainted.” It didn’t startle them or alarm them. They simply said I’m weak. I don’t remember anything being done to prevent it, and I went to school as usual.

I only think of this often because I realize the way I’m always on top of my kids’ health issues (and there is no deficiency of such issues given the time and age we live in). I’ve suffered dire consequences because I’ve prioritized their health over mine. So I always wonder how my parents were so relaxed, especially my mother.

I often feel sympathy for my childhood self. I didn’t get what I rightfully deserved as a young girl. Nothing can soothe these deep wounds which I carry within me. All I can do is try and be the best mother I can be for my children till my last breath.

The Last Cord!

After so many years of pain, confusion, trauma, arguments and restlessness, it has finally come to an end. My mother is no more. Did I grieve? Yes, I did! I grieved the mother my mind always assumed it had. The loving, doting mother. In reality, no matter how much I loved her and my heart ached for her, she was incapable of receiving my love and bestowing the same love upon me. Nonetheless, it was painful to see her body lie lifeless. Tears flowed. I had least expected her to leave so soon. In my heart, I had finally placed her in a decent and safe place and my hope was to see her alive the next time I visited Chennai. Instead, I had to go to Chennai to arrange her funeral and burial. That was one thing I couldn’t come to terms with.

When I visited her last, I took all my kids with me so she could see them and send us off happily. Instead, she cried and cried to be taken out of the cancer hospice and to be sent to her father’s family, her sisters. Her mind was troubled. No matter how much I was there for her, she only yearned for her siblings. There was nothing I could do to fulfil that wish for her because for her father’s family, my mom’s welfare, was the least of their concerns. One of her sister’s family actually volunteered to take her into their home and told us how much they’ll need every month and demanded we put some jewels on her before sending her there. Three days later, they called us and said that her sister didn’t want her there and refused to take her in. I realized that there was no genuine concern whatsoever. I felt sad for not being able to keep her in dad’s home. Just as I was making arrangements to move her downstairs, she fell and couldn’t get up for almost 12 hours. She was soaked in her own urine by the time I reached home. That’s when I decided that she needs a dignified end.

I’m glad her life ended in a dignified manner. She may not have had the people she wanted around, but she was surrounded by people who served her with their heart and soul. I’ll ever be thankful to the sisters at Jeevodaya Cancer Hospice for their selfless care and efforts to keep mom as comfortable as possible till her last breath. They are truly angels.

Her death also leads to the end of all my ties with her family. The last cord that connected us has been cut. I saw them at the funeral. I’ve never felt so disconnected as I did then. They knew where she was for the last few months, and yet they did not go visit her. The ones who had volunteered to take her into their home had all the details of where she was put up. Yet not a stir. I found that attitude brutal. My mom was all alone, with not even a soul to visit her over the last four months. The hospice was shocked that not even one soul came to visit her during her stay there. I simply had to tell them that I had no one. There was nothing to say, nothing to smile about, nothing to feel, just numbness when I looked at my mom’s family. A void so deep it could engulf me. What a miserable death these relationships have died! All because I had to spew out the truth at all costs. I had covered it up for too long because I was so confused. When it was all clear, letting it out released my mind from those pangs.

Many days, my heart has ached for the generous time that had been wasted with the wrong people while the least amount of time was spent with valuable ones. But my mom’s mind was stuck in a loop. Despite her family’s behaviour, she always wanted to return to them. She just couldn’t think in any other way. Now, all I feel for my mother is sympathy. Sympathy for the way her mind and spirit was always troubled throughout her lifetime. Who knew what kind of troubled childhood she had? Who knew if she had undergone any form of physical or emotional abuse as a child? Who knew what turned her into who she was with dad and me? Something was surely amiss, but we’ll never know. More than her physical rest, I was happy that her spirit and mind are resting calmly.

An era has ended. No one remains from my childhood. My dad is gone, now so has my mom. I’m kind of blank in my mind. I walked into the home where they spent the last part of their lives. It was a stark reminder of them, their faces. I couldn’t stand there for more than five minutes. I was shattered, broken, and agitated. It was all over, one half of my life is done and dusted and there I stood finding it difficult to move on.

One fact every human being must understand is that everything comes to an end, whether it is good or bad, beautiful or ugly, constructive or destructive. Nothing can stop time. Everything around is temporary. The most priceless thing on earth is inner peace and a sense of satisfaction of having done the right thing. I gave my mother a dignified end, and I’m so glad I was able to do so.

Goodbye, mum! I miss the mum I always thought I had in you. I hope you’ve finally found the peace you didn’t have on earth. God bless your soul!

Scared of Death

Time’s flying by and when I say flying by I mean seriously! Whoosh and a week, month and year have all gone by. All of sudden, I feel like I’ve reached the midpoint of my entire life. After I lost my dad in 2019 death became more real than ever. I’ve often pondered over the matter.

Off late, I’m reminded quite often, subconsciously that I’ve finished one half of my life and that at any given point in time in the next half I might reach the end of my earthly journey. To be honest it makes me shudder. My main worry being putting my family through the agony of losing me. I keep hoping and praying to God that I don’t leave till my kids are independent and settled down with their spouses and kids. I’ve never felt so shaken by the thought of my own death until I lost my dad. Till then my world felt perfect. Although I was lonely, at least the people whom I cared about were around. It gave me a feeling of comfort. He left and I started to feel like I’m standing on shaky ground.

There are days I wake up and feel scared and sad that one day I’ll have to leave behind the people I love. Not sure if anyone else has ever felt this way when they touched their 40s. Sometimes death is so sly and sneaky, it is thrown at us at unawares, just like how my dad died when I least expected it. News floating around of young people who die of illnesses or unexpectedly does not help either but adds to the anxious thoughts of “when will my turn come.” Will it be sooner than I thought it would come or will I make it to settle my kids. I do my best to train my kids to be as independent as possible. Who knows what will happen the next day. Only God can perfect everything that concerns me.

So I carry on. I wish the days would go slow but they don’t. I wish I could hold my kids as babies forever but I can’t. They say time and tide wait for none. How true that saying! Everything changes slowly but surely and sometimes we leave without even knowing what a change our departure will wrought in someone’s life. May God bless everyone with a long life. May this blessing be sure. As our ancestors lived to see their generations generation, may we also be blessed with the same mercy.

Grieving some more…

It’s just one of those glum days. Those awful days, when I terribly miss my dad and feel hopeless at the thought of never being able to see him again. All the material things he left behind live on, and yet he isn’t around. A hard truth to digest.

My last trip to India was when I felt like he was the very essence of my being. I saw all his clothes stocked up in the cupboards and honestly I didn’t have it in me to sort through them or give them away. As far as I know, nothing of his will leave that home as long as I’m breathing. Nor will the yearning to have him around die.

His home is nothing without him. The very spirit of the home felt dead. Seriously, how does one get out of this rut within the mind? They say time heals all wounds. But I’ve felt my wounds from dad’s demise grow deeper and deeper as the days go by.

The trip also called for war. War against evil, against people who tried to steal what was dad’s. It was only by God’s grace we were victorious. In the end, it was dad’s victory. The victory of good over evil.

Although I celebrated the victory God gave me, certain things didn’t go as I had planned. I’ve mentioned countless times on my blog about how I’d never forgive my mother for murdering my dad. Yet, not because of who she was but because of who I am, I wanted her to have a decent ending and hence I decided to set her up well in my dad’s home. However fate had decided otherwise. My mom lost her strength and fell. On the first day she managed to pick herself up. The second day things took a turn for the worse. She fell and she never got back up on her legs. She had fallen down late evening and was on the floor till such time I reached dad’s home the next day morning and managed to get external help to come lift her up onto the bed. Even then her back had lost the ability to hold her up straight. She lay helplessly on the bed. She was soaked in urine. It was then that I decided she needed more care than anyone around could offer her, and I moved her into the hospice.

The hospice is heaven for those who are in agony or pain. They take lovely care of all their patients. My mother was neat and clean for the first time since I had reached Chennai. However, being the covert being that she was, she was not happy with the social and friendly environment that existed there. The last day I visited her before I left Chennai filled me with sour memories.

I won’t deny my disappointment of not having her in dad’s home. I somehow wanted to keep his home alive and give it a new lease of life. I also wanted to give my mother the end she desired, to complete her life in dad’s home. However, God’s plans weren’t what I had planned out and tried to execute. They were far different.

There hasn’t been a day that I’ve not thought about my mother and how she’s surviving socially. She may have been happy alone, living life on her terms in dad’s home but she was living in a stench that was unbearable. So I take heart that she’s clean and being fed three proper meals each day. Although there is nothing between us, no feelings whatsoever, I guess I’m still grieving the mother I thought I had.

Recovery from narcissistic abuse is brutal. One day I think I’ve gotten over everything but the very next day I find myself sobbing like a 3 year old who couldn’t find her favourite toy. I really wonder how people carry on in life after dealing with so much. For today, I miss my daddy and I miss the mummy I thought I had. The grieving seems never-ending. So today I grieve some more for both of them.

Insatiable

This whole concept of “together forever” and “happily ever after” might be the biggest bullshit the world has ever conjured. Let me tell you something, some of the worst days of your life will be when you are the loneliest. No one will ever be by your side 24×7, not even mentally and emotionally. Many battles in life are waged alone. Probably the only friend who is always going to hang around is God. We always expect. I have always expected, that so and so was going to be around, was never going to let me down, was going to show me gratitude. But time and again I’ve been proved wrong. I’ve fought my battles alone. The truth is, sometimes, when those who have given birth to you don’t care about you, your fate is sealed. You’re wasting your time waiting for and expecting others to understand your core being. Humans are limited. The only love close to God’s selfless love is a mother’s, but when that has not been given to you, rest assured you’re an orphan till you hit the grave. Everyone is putting up with you with an inner motive. Some motives are selfish and self-centred while some are for mutual gain. The more your heart gets broken, the more your heart learns to be stronger, to be independent, to depend less on others and to rely solely on God for strength, help and companionship. As a woman, it is so important to look upto God, to keep yourself embedded in Him. The more you look up to Him, the more satiated you will feel.

The world will never look at you with gratitude, for it will be ever ready to point at the flaws they see within you. You could pour out your soul to do the best possible for everyone, yet you will be deemed the worst. Gratitude and appreciation are expensive personalities that we cannot expect from cheap people. But God appreciates our efforts, our sacrifices and sees our daily struggles. Therefore do not let human attitudes discourage you. Every man reaps what he sows in God’s timing. We must only do what’s right and move ahead, God blesses the rest with his best. Read the below excerpt from the Bible to know that you are never alone in your battles. Many have already walked and still many more are yet to walk your path. Take heart!

Psalm 41:5-12 KJV

Mine enemies speak evil of me, When shall he die, and his name perish? And if he come to see me, he speaketh vanity: his heart gathereth iniquity to itself; when he goeth abroad, he telleth it. All that hate me whisper together against me: against me do they devise my hurt. An evil disease, say they, cleaveth fast unto him: and now that he lieth he shall rise up no more. Yea, mine own familiar friend, in whom I trusted, which did eat of my bread, hath lifted up his heel against me. But thou, O LORD, be merciful unto me, and raise me up, that I may requite them. By this I know that thou favourest me, because mine enemy doth not triumph over me. And as for me, thou upholdest me in mine integrity, and settest me before thy face for ever.

This is an excerpt from the Bible. If anyone asks me who my favourite personality from the Bible is, it’s David. A man like me, passionate, flawed, forgotten, abandoned, falsely hated, feared, forsaken, empathetic, God fearing, the list of similarities is endless. In the above passage he states his extreme disappointment and rightfully so. If it had been his enemy that had hurt him it would have been easy for him to move ahead but it was his very loved friend, someone he trusted, someone he dined with, someone he relied on, someone from whom he hoped for mutual reciprocation of affection. I don’t think there would be any other man in the Bible who took his friendships so seriously. He loved Jonathan beyond himself and that friendship extended to the next generation. So we can understand why a close friend betraying him caused him so much agony. I’ve seen myself at this juncture so so many times because I’ve taken all my relationships very seriously.

At the end of the passage David turns to God for justice and salvation. He realizes that in the end it’s always going to be God and him and that God would never forsake him, that he’s got his back. In the Bible there are numerous other places where it teaches us never to trust in humans, not even the ones right beside us. There could not have been a wiser lesson. May we all learn to rely solely on the faithful one and stop flaunting about people because they are only a facade. One day when that facade comes crashing down, you will be devastated. Always remember human beings are insatiable. It’s better to lean on the eternal pillar, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.