Sentiments on Mother’s Day

I’m not a big fan of Mother’s day celebrations, the reason being, I’ve never got much love from my mother despite longing for it so very much. Hence, I never felt excited or happy reflecting on my relationship with my mother, on this day or any other day. We didn’t share anything special or magical or motherly enough worth talking about.

I’m writing this post today because I decided to be thankful this Mother’s day for what I do have, my mother-in-law, the one that comes closest to one’s own mother. It’s only over the last two years that we’ve actually bonded, thanks to my kids. I’m blessed to say I have a wonderful woman as my mother-in-law. I’ve heard so many stories of women being harassed by their MIL after marriage. But my case is completely different. My MIL is so chilled out, so patient and so level-headed that she amazes me. I’m truly blessed to have her in my life.

She has more concern over me and my well being than what my biological mother has ever had. I guess it all boils down to who raised them and how. My MIL’s mother, Naomi was another sweet woman. I’ve heard so many stories about her from my MIL and I couldn’t help feel a bit unfortunate to have not met her in person. My MIL’s entire family is sweet and decent. They were raised that way. My MIL’s mom was the go to person in her locality, in Nagercoil for all issues that people faced because Naomi paati would have a fair solution to all of them and was very trustworthy. She was highly respected in her community. She is what one could call a virtuous woman. She attended to the needs of her children, trained them to be hard working and proactive, and served her community at the same time.

Last June, I got a chance to meet a lot of my MIL’s relatives when we went for my husband’s cousin’s daughter’s wedding. It was a very pleasant experience. It was nice to know my husband’s side of the family, and I felt it was my responsibility as a parent to keep my kids connected with both sides of the family, paternal and maternal.

I never understood the relationship between kids and their grandparents until I watched up close the strong bond my MIL shared with my kids. My kids can’t live without her. Not even for a day. My son is entirely dependent on her. The first thing he does in the morning as soon as he wakes up is go look for her. She takes great care of my kids. She’s the only reason I can confidently walk out of my home because I know my kids are in safe hands.

My MIL is also a wonderful cook, and a lot of the stuff I make at home has been taught to me by her. She has a wealth of information when it comes to cooking. We’ve always enjoyed her cooking when we visited Chennai. We still love her cooking, but she can’t do much as she’s getting older and weaker.

My MIL is also very brave. Something I truly admire in her. I wish I had her confidence. She’s not easily anxious or agitated and tries to take practical steps towards resolving issues, whether it’s with the kids or otherwise.

Not everyone is as lucky as me to have a best friend in a mother-in-law. Ever since she started staying with us to help with our kids, we’ve spent at least half an hour talking daily over the phone on days we’ve stayed away. I can share anything with her, and though we don’t see eye to eye on everything, we’ve agreed to disagree. We have an amicable relationship, which makes my life a breeze.

Above all else, I treasure the relationship my children share with my MIL. It’s just too precious! I remember days when I’ve cried because my kids didn’t get grandparents’ love or bonding. Well, God’s making up for that now. May all our relationships grow stronger and deeper. Happy Mother’s Day to my Mom, aka MIL. I love you and praise God for bringing you into my life! Thank you for all that you do for our family. We will always be indebted to you. I wish all the women in the world had MILs like you.

Scared of Death

Time’s flying by and when I say flying by I mean seriously! Whoosh and a week, month and year have all gone by. All of sudden, I feel like I’ve reached the midpoint of my entire life. After I lost my dad in 2019 death became more real than ever. I’ve often pondered over the matter.

Off late, I’m reminded quite often, subconsciously that I’ve finished one half of my life and that at any given point in time in the next half I might reach the end of my earthly journey. To be honest it makes me shudder. My main worry being putting my family through the agony of losing me. I keep hoping and praying to God that I don’t leave till my kids are independent and settled down with their spouses and kids. I’ve never felt so shaken by the thought of my own death until I lost my dad. Till then my world felt perfect. Although I was lonely, at least the people whom I cared about were around. It gave me a feeling of comfort. He left and I started to feel like I’m standing on shaky ground.

There are days I wake up and feel scared and sad that one day I’ll have to leave behind the people I love. Not sure if anyone else has ever felt this way when they touched their 40s. Sometimes death is so sly and sneaky, it is thrown at us at unawares, just like how my dad died when I least expected it. News floating around of young people who die of illnesses or unexpectedly does not help either but adds to the anxious thoughts of “when will my turn come.” Will it be sooner than I thought it would come or will I make it to settle my kids. I do my best to train my kids to be as independent as possible. Who knows what will happen the next day. Only God can perfect everything that concerns me.

So I carry on. I wish the days would go slow but they don’t. I wish I could hold my kids as babies forever but I can’t. They say time and tide wait for none. How true that saying! Everything changes slowly but surely and sometimes we leave without even knowing what a change our departure will wrought in someone’s life. May God bless everyone with a long life. May this blessing be sure. As our ancestors lived to see their generations generation, may we also be blessed with the same mercy.

Insatiable

This whole concept of “together forever” and “happily ever after” might be the biggest bullshit the world has ever conjured. Let me tell you something, some of the worst days of your life will be when you are the loneliest. No one will ever be by your side 24×7, not even mentally and emotionally. Many battles in life are waged alone. Probably the only friend who is always going to hang around is God. We always expect. I have always expected, that so and so was going to be around, was never going to let me down, was going to show me gratitude. But time and again I’ve been proved wrong. I’ve fought my battles alone. The truth is, sometimes, when those who have given birth to you don’t care about you, your fate is sealed. You’re wasting your time waiting for and expecting others to understand your core being. Humans are limited. The only love close to God’s selfless love is a mother’s, but when that has not been given to you, rest assured you’re an orphan till you hit the grave. Everyone is putting up with you with an inner motive. Some motives are selfish and self-centred while some are for mutual gain. The more your heart gets broken, the more your heart learns to be stronger, to be independent, to depend less on others and to rely solely on God for strength, help and companionship. As a woman, it is so important to look upto God, to keep yourself embedded in Him. The more you look up to Him, the more satiated you will feel.

The world will never look at you with gratitude, for it will be ever ready to point at the flaws they see within you. You could pour out your soul to do the best possible for everyone, yet you will be deemed the worst. Gratitude and appreciation are expensive personalities that we cannot expect from cheap people. But God appreciates our efforts, our sacrifices and sees our daily struggles. Therefore do not let human attitudes discourage you. Every man reaps what he sows in God’s timing. We must only do what’s right and move ahead, God blesses the rest with his best. Read the below excerpt from the Bible to know that you are never alone in your battles. Many have already walked and still many more are yet to walk your path. Take heart!

Psalm 41:5-12 KJV

Mine enemies speak evil of me, When shall he die, and his name perish? And if he come to see me, he speaketh vanity: his heart gathereth iniquity to itself; when he goeth abroad, he telleth it. All that hate me whisper together against me: against me do they devise my hurt. An evil disease, say they, cleaveth fast unto him: and now that he lieth he shall rise up no more. Yea, mine own familiar friend, in whom I trusted, which did eat of my bread, hath lifted up his heel against me. But thou, O LORD, be merciful unto me, and raise me up, that I may requite them. By this I know that thou favourest me, because mine enemy doth not triumph over me. And as for me, thou upholdest me in mine integrity, and settest me before thy face for ever.

This is an excerpt from the Bible. If anyone asks me who my favourite personality from the Bible is, it’s David. A man like me, passionate, flawed, forgotten, abandoned, falsely hated, feared, forsaken, empathetic, God fearing, the list of similarities is endless. In the above passage he states his extreme disappointment and rightfully so. If it had been his enemy that had hurt him it would have been easy for him to move ahead but it was his very loved friend, someone he trusted, someone he dined with, someone he relied on, someone from whom he hoped for mutual reciprocation of affection. I don’t think there would be any other man in the Bible who took his friendships so seriously. He loved Jonathan beyond himself and that friendship extended to the next generation. So we can understand why a close friend betraying him caused him so much agony. I’ve seen myself at this juncture so so many times because I’ve taken all my relationships very seriously.

At the end of the passage David turns to God for justice and salvation. He realizes that in the end it’s always going to be God and him and that God would never forsake him, that he’s got his back. In the Bible there are numerous other places where it teaches us never to trust in humans, not even the ones right beside us. There could not have been a wiser lesson. May we all learn to rely solely on the faithful one and stop flaunting about people because they are only a facade. One day when that facade comes crashing down, you will be devastated. Always remember human beings are insatiable. It’s better to lean on the eternal pillar, our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ.

Picking up the pieces…

And there’s always someone who comes along, and shatters my heart into a thousand pieces once again, and I painstakingly regain the courage and strength to pick up all the pieces of my heart and move ahead.

It makes me colder and harder and vigilant than ever before. I’m happy to put my heart behind closed bars. To shut it off from the world. There’s only so long it can stay soft after repeatedly being abused and misused. I don’t believe anymore in the world’s saying that we mustn’t change who we are because of how others behave, that we must be kind no matter how cruel the world around us is. No, I totally disagree! I believe in being a mirror, in reflecting back what is being meted out to me. It seems to be the only sane way to survive in this selfish and self-centred world.

Few will gain access to the depths of me. Very few. Few that can be counted on the fingers of one hand. To the rest I will remain a mystery from history.

Listening Ears

Sometimes all that’s needed are listening ears, not advising tongues.