The Last Cord!

After so many years of pain, confusion, trauma, arguments and restlessness, it has finally come to an end. My mother is no more. Did I grieve? Yes, I did! I grieved the mother my mind always assumed it had. The loving, doting mother. In reality, no matter how much I loved her and my heart ached for her, she was incapable of receiving my love and bestowing the same love upon me. Nonetheless, it was painful to see her body lie lifeless. Tears flowed. I had least expected her to leave so soon. In my heart, I had finally placed her in a decent and safe place and my hope was to see her alive the next time I visited Chennai. Instead, I had to go to Chennai to arrange her funeral and burial. That was one thing I couldn’t come to terms with.

When I visited her last, I took all my kids with me so she could see them and send us off happily. Instead, she cried and cried to be taken out of the cancer hospice and to be sent to her father’s family, her sisters. Her mind was troubled. No matter how much I was there for her, she only yearned for her siblings. There was nothing I could do to fulfil that wish for her because for her father’s family, my mom’s welfare, was the least of their concerns. One of her sister’s family actually volunteered to take her into their home and told us how much they’ll need every month and demanded we put some jewels on her before sending her there. Three days later, they called us and said that her sister didn’t want her there and refused to take her in. I realized that there was no genuine concern whatsoever. I felt sad for not being able to keep her in dad’s home. Just as I was making arrangements to move her downstairs, she fell and couldn’t get up for almost 12 hours. She was soaked in her own urine by the time I reached home. That’s when I decided that she needs a dignified end.

I’m glad her life ended in a dignified manner. She may not have had the people she wanted around, but she was surrounded by people who served her with their heart and soul. I’ll ever be thankful to the sisters at Jeevodaya Cancer Hospice for their selfless care and efforts to keep mom as comfortable as possible till her last breath. They are truly angels.

Her death also leads to the end of all my ties with her family. The last cord that connected us has been cut. I saw them at the funeral. I’ve never felt so disconnected as I did then. They knew where she was for the last few months, and yet they did not go visit her. The ones who had volunteered to take her into their home had all the details of where she was put up. Yet not a stir. I found that attitude brutal. My mom was all alone, with not even a soul to visit her over the last four months. The hospice was shocked that not even one soul came to visit her during her stay there. I simply had to tell them that I had no one. There was nothing to say, nothing to smile about, nothing to feel, just numbness when I looked at my mom’s family. A void so deep it could engulf me. What a miserable death these relationships have died! All because I had to spew out the truth at all costs. I had covered it up for too long because I was so confused. When it was all clear, letting it out released my mind from those pangs.

Many days, my heart has ached for the generous time that had been wasted with the wrong people while the least amount of time was spent with valuable ones. But my mom’s mind was stuck in a loop. Despite her family’s behaviour, she always wanted to return to them. She just couldn’t think in any other way. Now, all I feel for my mother is sympathy. Sympathy for the way her mind and spirit was always troubled throughout her lifetime. Who knew what kind of troubled childhood she had? Who knew if she had undergone any form of physical or emotional abuse as a child? Who knew what turned her into who she was with dad and me? Something was surely amiss, but we’ll never know. More than her physical rest, I was happy that her spirit and mind are resting calmly.

An era has ended. No one remains from my childhood. My dad is gone, now so has my mom. I’m kind of blank in my mind. I walked into the home where they spent the last part of their lives. It was a stark reminder of them, their faces. I couldn’t stand there for more than five minutes. I was shattered, broken, and agitated. It was all over, one half of my life is done and dusted and there I stood finding it difficult to move on.

One fact every human being must understand is that everything comes to an end, whether it is good or bad, beautiful or ugly, constructive or destructive. Nothing can stop time. Everything around is temporary. The most priceless thing on earth is inner peace and a sense of satisfaction of having done the right thing. I gave my mother a dignified end, and I’m so glad I was able to do so.

Goodbye, mum! I miss the mum I always thought I had in you. I hope you’ve finally found the peace you didn’t have on earth. God bless your soul!


Grieving some more…

It’s just one of those glum days. Those awful days, when I terribly miss my dad and feel hopeless at the thought of never being able to see him again. All the material things he left behind live on, and yet he isn’t around. A hard truth to digest.

My last trip to India was when I felt like he was the very essence of my being. I saw all his clothes stocked up in the cupboards and honestly I didn’t have it in me to sort through them or give them away. As far as I know, nothing of his will leave that home as long as I’m breathing. Nor will the yearning to have him around die.

His home is nothing without him. The very spirit of the home felt dead. Seriously, how does one get out of this rut within the mind? They say time heals all wounds. But I’ve felt my wounds from dad’s demise grow deeper and deeper as the days go by.

The trip also called for war. War against evil, against people who tried to steal what was dad’s. It was only by God’s grace we were victorious. In the end, it was dad’s victory. The victory of good over evil.

Although I celebrated the victory God gave me, certain things didn’t go as I had planned. I’ve mentioned countless times on my blog about how I’d never forgive my mother for murdering my dad. Yet, not because of who she was but because of who I am, I wanted her to have a decent ending and hence I decided to set her up well in my dad’s home. However fate had decided otherwise. My mom lost her strength and fell. On the first day she managed to pick herself up. The second day things took a turn for the worse. She fell and she never got back up on her legs. She had fallen down late evening and was on the floor till such time I reached dad’s home the next day morning and managed to get external help to come lift her up onto the bed. Even then her back had lost the ability to hold her up straight. She lay helplessly on the bed. She was soaked in urine. It was then that I decided she needed more care than anyone around could offer her, and I moved her into the hospice.

The hospice is heaven for those who are in agony or pain. They take lovely care of all their patients. My mother was neat and clean for the first time since I had reached Chennai. However, being the covert being that she was, she was not happy with the social and friendly environment that existed there. The last day I visited her before I left Chennai filled me with sour memories.

I won’t deny my disappointment of not having her in dad’s home. I somehow wanted to keep his home alive and give it a new lease of life. I also wanted to give my mother the end she desired, to complete her life in dad’s home. However, God’s plans weren’t what I had planned out and tried to execute. They were far different.

There hasn’t been a day that I’ve not thought about my mother and how she’s surviving socially. She may have been happy alone, living life on her terms in dad’s home but she was living in a stench that was unbearable. So I take heart that she’s clean and being fed three proper meals each day. Although there is nothing between us, no feelings whatsoever, I guess I’m still grieving the mother I thought I had.

Recovery from narcissistic abuse is brutal. One day I think I’ve gotten over everything but the very next day I find myself sobbing like a 3 year old who couldn’t find her favourite toy. I really wonder how people carry on in life after dealing with so much. For today, I miss my daddy and I miss the mummy I thought I had. The grieving seems never-ending. So today I grieve some more for both of them.


Dad’s 3rd Death Anniversary

As I quietly stare at your grave,

I wish I’d hear your voice again, I walk often,down memory lane.

Nothing remains but silence and calm,

I’m happy that you have peace to your gain, but your absence feels like gloomy rain.

It took death to understand who you were,

I live with hope to meet you again, soon in the absence of the highly insane.

Life will never be the same without you,

How much I wish to turn back time, misunderstanding you feels like a crime.

The old songs all remind me of you,

Those happier days when we shared laughter and lightness, and I enjoyed your nearness.

It’s not that on other days I remember you less,

Every nook and corner of your home whispers your name, sometimes, life feels like a nasty game.

I’m ever thankful for all you did for me,

As I raise my children it’s easier to comprehend, how you coped up to your spouse’s demands.

Many days I revisit past events, fondly remembering you,

The sweet walks and talks we had where it was just you and me, they fill me with utter glee.

When I remember your death, your pain aches me,

Your absence is equally excruciating, the emptiness debilitating.

Wish you could have stayed a little longer,

Your grandkids needed you, you needed them, you were indeed our hidden gem.

Life’s empty and meaningless when love has left,

Yet I carry on for the sake of these kids, doing incessantly all their bids.

I wonder, can you see me, are you watching me?

Are you praying for me, blessing me from where you are? Do you live among the glittery stars?

I’d like to believe you are discreetly with me,

And many days that has been my source of strength and honestly why my earthly presence has length.

They tried to filch all you had left behind,

But I couldn’t let your hard efforts be wasted, so I warred till the adversaries hasted.

As I fought, you were on my thoughts,

God gave us the victory, we rejoiced, the conqueror’s flag did we hoist.

Did you see from heaven, daddy? Did you?

The victory God had given us. He is faithful. His mercies upon us are delightful.

You, your mom, dad and sister all lie close and still in the calm,

But I feel you all are around, somewhere distant, but definitely existant

My eyes long to see and ears to hear all of you,

How precious were the days of old! More precious than gold.

Miss you daddy, but days run soon,

Someday I’ll join you in your sleep and calm and then maybe we will walk again palm in palm.

Till then fond, affectionate memories of you my darling daddy,

Will keep me going till the sun sets in my horizon, and transforms the present season.


Eternal Pain

Daddy’s Gift

Carnal provisions, all thou gavest, lives on,
Yet precious soul, thou hast woefully gone.

Mine being doth anguish, canst I e’er move on?
Fore’er this sorrow shalt blemish each dawn!