Grieving some more…

It’s just one of those glum days. Those awful days, when I terribly miss my dad and feel hopeless at the thought of never being able to see him again. All the material things he left behind live on, and yet he isn’t around. A hard truth to digest.

My last trip to India was when I felt like he was the very essence of my being. I saw all his clothes stocked up in the cupboards and honestly I didn’t have it in me to sort through them or give them away. As far as I know, nothing of his will leave that home as long as I’m breathing. Nor will the yearning to have him around die.

His home is nothing without him. The very spirit of the home felt dead. Seriously, how does one get out of this rut within the mind? They say time heals all wounds. But I’ve felt my wounds from dad’s demise grow deeper and deeper as the days go by.

The trip also called for war. War against evil, against people who tried to steal what was dad’s. It was only by God’s grace we were victorious. In the end, it was dad’s victory. The victory of good over evil.

Although I celebrated the victory God gave me, certain things didn’t go as I had planned. I’ve mentioned countless times on my blog about how I’d never forgive my mother for murdering my dad. Yet, not because of who she was but because of who I am, I wanted her to have a decent ending and hence I decided to set her up well in my dad’s home. However fate had decided otherwise. My mom lost her strength and fell. On the first day she managed to pick herself up. The second day things took a turn for the worse. She fell and she never got back up on her legs. She had fallen down late evening and was on the floor till such time I reached dad’s home the next day morning and managed to get external help to come lift her up onto the bed. Even then her back had lost the ability to hold her up straight. She lay helplessly on the bed. She was soaked in urine. It was then that I decided she needed more care than anyone around could offer her, and I moved her into the hospice.

The hospice is heaven for those who are in agony or pain. They take lovely care of all their patients. My mother was neat and clean for the first time since I had reached Chennai. However, being the covert being that she was, she was not happy with the social and friendly environment that existed there. The last day I visited her before I left Chennai filled me with sour memories.

I won’t deny my disappointment of not having her in dad’s home. I somehow wanted to keep his home alive and give it a new lease of life. I also wanted to give my mother the end she desired, to complete her life in dad’s home. However, God’s plans weren’t what I had planned out and tried to execute. They were far different.

There hasn’t been a day that I’ve not thought about my mother and how she’s surviving socially. She may have been happy alone, living life on her terms in dad’s home but she was living in a stench that was unbearable. So I take heart that she’s clean and being fed three proper meals each day. Although there is nothing between us, no feelings whatsoever, I guess I’m still grieving the mother I thought I had.

Recovery from narcissistic abuse is brutal. One day I think I’ve gotten over everything but the very next day I find myself sobbing like a 3 year old who couldn’t find her favourite toy. I really wonder how people carry on in life after dealing with so much. For today, I miss my daddy and I miss the mummy I thought I had. The grieving seems never-ending. So today I grieve some more for both of them.

Dad’s 3rd Death Anniversary

As I quietly stare at your grave,

I wish I’d hear your voice again, I walk often,down memory lane.

Nothing remains but silence and calm,

I’m happy that you have peace to your gain, but your absence feels like gloomy rain.

It took death to understand who you were,

I live with hope to meet you again, soon in the absence of the highly insane.

Life will never be the same without you,

How much I wish to turn back time, misunderstanding you feels like a crime.

The old songs all remind me of you,

Those happier days when we shared laughter and lightness, and I enjoyed your nearness.

It’s not that on other days I remember you less,

Every nook and corner of your home whispers your name, sometimes, life feels like a nasty game.

I’m ever thankful for all you did for me,

As I raise my children it’s easier to comprehend, how you coped up to your spouse’s demands.

Many days I revisit past events, fondly remembering you,

The sweet walks and talks we had where it was just you and me, they fill me with utter glee.

When I remember your death, your pain aches me,

Your absence is equally excruciating, the emptiness debilitating.

Wish you could have stayed a little longer,

Your grandkids needed you, you needed them, you were indeed our hidden gem.

Life’s empty and meaningless when love has left,

Yet I carry on for the sake of these kids, doing incessantly all their bids.

I wonder, can you see me, are you watching me?

Are you praying for me, blessing me from where you are? Do you live among the glittery stars?

I’d like to believe you are discreetly with me,

And many days that has been my source of strength and honestly why my earthly presence has length.

They tried to filch all you had left behind,

But I couldn’t let your hard efforts be wasted, so I warred till the adversaries hasted.

As I fought, you were on my thoughts,

God gave us the victory, we rejoiced, the conqueror’s flag did we hoist.

Did you see from heaven, daddy? Did you?

The victory God had given us. He is faithful. His mercies upon us are delightful.

You, your mom, dad and sister all lie close and still in the calm,

But I feel you all are around, somewhere distant, but definitely existant

My eyes long to see and ears to hear all of you,

How precious were the days of old! More precious than gold.

Miss you daddy, but days run soon,

Someday I’ll join you in your sleep and calm and then maybe we will walk again palm in palm.

Till then fond, affectionate memories of you my darling daddy,

Will keep me going till the sun sets in my horizon, and transforms the present season.

Happy 77th Birthday, Dad!

Once again that time of the year, when 3 years back I would have been writing thank you posts to God for giving you an extension to your life.

Now you’re no longer here. Although you’ve attained eternal peace, out here there’s no antidote for missing you tonnes. There’s a void, which I’m assuming will remain till the day I’m so sick that I can’t think anymore and my life finally ends. Everything reminds me of you. All around the home I’ve kept so many outdated things just because you gave them to me. You’re never forgotten.

Not only do I miss you but I miss your parents too. You guys made my childhood as close to normal as possible. It’s too bad I never understood who was on my side till you all were around. But hopefully when I’m done here, we all will see each other. And if we do, we won’t have devils around to destroy us. This is my hope.

So while you’re far far away from us in heaven, I remeber you daddy. Will always remeber you. You deserved better here on earth. Though you’re life was hell, God kept you around longer for my sake and for that I will always be grateful to God. Had you not been there, I’d have been on the streets. God is so good. I’m sure He’s blessed you at present with double for all your trouble.

Have a wonderful birthday in heaven daddy. Till we meet again to hug each other. Love you so much. Thank you for everything you’ve given me here on earth. I really wish you had been here with us on this beautiful day. But as we celebrate today, you’ll be a part of it and on my mind constantly. Love you again.

Thank you, Daddy! Letters to Daddy – 4

Today we are enjoying the fruits of your labour. We miss you. Your home is void without you. Miss hearing your sound that always said “enna dee” as soon as your eyes met mine. My heart will always long to hear it again. Although you are not around to watch your grandkids enjoy the jackfruit from your home, I’m sure you’ll look down from heaven and smile contently. Can’t believe how fast times have changed. Once upon a time it was you, me and Bruno who filled the home with love and laughter. Today neither you nor Bruno are there. There’s a sadness that cannot be expressed. Now it’s the noise of my kids that filled your home and yet it couldn’t make up for my longing to have you there again. Hope you’re peaceful daddy. Love and miss you tonnes.

Jackfruit from my father’s home.

Rest Well, Daddy (04.09.1945 – 31.12.2019 4:40 PM)

This is the speech I gave for my dad’s thanksgiving and memorial day in honour of him and his life.

Greetings in the matchless name of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ. I would like to share a few qualities that I have observed and admired in my daddy since my early childhood days.

1. God fearing, staunch in his faith – My father never let go of Bible reading, praying and attending church. This was instilled in him since his childhood days, by his parents. Later on in life, even on days when he felt frail and weak and didn’t have his usual energy in him, he would still make it a point to get to church. The day before church he would prepare his clothes and keep them ready. He would wake up early morning by 4 AM and bathe and get ready for church. He was very punctual in attending church and would reach half an hour before service started and sit there quietly praying. He never complicated Christianity. He made simple prayers and did what was right and always believed that God was listening to and answering his prayers. He often confessed that nothing could harm him because the Lord was on his side. During his last few years, every morning he would enjoy reading the Bible for hours. He would ask for breakfast only after reading the Bible. I have often felt that it was the word of God, which he honoured so much, that kept him going during his trials and saved him on many occasions. Even the day before he fell sick, due to amnesia he lost his way, he asked a couple of people and still took the wrong route. Miraculously the paper delivery man spotted him and brought him back home on his cycle. After my dad’s retirement, he spent most of his free time listening to Christian songs and enjoyed them. He also kept singing those songs often. My daddy clung to his faith till his last breath. Even on his death bed he kept calling out to God to save him, to take him to be with him and would keep saying Hallelujah. There is no doubt that he is now safe in the arms of Jesus Christ, free from all pain, agony and suffering.

2. Meek and humble – my daddy never differentiated between the rich and the poor. To him all were equal and he treated everyone with great respect. 3 days ago, after he passed away, as I was conversing with one of my dad’s friends, he mentioned how my father would salute and greet everyone he met along the way with such respect, even the ones who were much younger to him in age, and this very nature was admired by so many who lived around him. Such was my father. He was very humble and down to earth.

3. Worked hard with sincerity and integrity – From my early childhood days I’ve always watched my father work hard. He had a tough work life. He often worked shifts. While others in his workplace would misuse their privileges my dad would always choose to do what was right, despite the consequences. Even at home I have never seen him idle, but busy doing one thing or the other for our home. He followed a proper routine on a daily basis.

4. Loved spending time with family – My daddy loved to be around family members and would enjoy spending time chatting away. When we were in Dubai, every year our trips to India began with multiple visits to relatives homes. As much as daddy cared and provided for his own family, he did the same for my mother’s family and treated them as his own. He also developed a special bond with my kids during his 6 month trip to Dubai in 2019 and enjoyed his time with them. Even my kids became extremely attached to him and the day before he left, my kids kept pleading with him “Solomon thatha please don’t leave”. On the day he left he was seen early morning with the Bible in his hand and tears in his eyes. It was a very painful and tearful goodbye indeed.

5. Hospitable – His hospitality knew no limits. Everyone who has set foot into our home can testify of this attribute of daddy. He loved to welcome people home, even those who paid us surprise visits. Even if there was nothing in stock at home to serve the guests, he would run out to buy something nice to serve. He has never let anyone leave our home with an empty stomach.

6. Selfless and generous – I hardly remember my daddy buying things for himself. From my childhood days the things he purchased for himself were bare minimal. He never interested himself with luxuries. However, he always made sure he purchased the best for me and mom. He was also very generous in giving. He would help anyone in need and I’ve never seen him turn down anyone who came to him for help.

Truly his absence is a tremendous loss to me, my mother, and our entire family; but we rejoice in the hope that we will be united with him again in mid air when our Lord Jesus Christ comes to take us home. I thank the Lord for blessing me with a wonderful father, my mother with a wonderful husband and our entire family with a loving and God fearing man to lead the family. Amen!